The Brody Bunch – Goes to the Hardware Store

Buying an Assembled Dresser and Getting Screwed


Buying off the Community ListServ

“Curb Alerts” are big in my community.  If you are savvy, you could probably furnish your house on everything being given away for free or sold inexpensively on the community listserv.  I have acquired cheap baseball tickets, free peanut butter which we used to make PB&J for the homeless, gallery photo frames which are still in the box and now a really ugly assembled dresser.  And ASSEMBLED is the key word.

I saw a five drawer assembled dresser in a beach brushed like wood finish on sale for $75.  Like a high rolling negotiator, I replied to the post: “If you can’t move it at $75, let me know if you would take $50.”  And, I became the recipient of the dresser. I can’t fathom following directions and assembling furniture, the time it takes me is outrageous. And, because it is back to school time, we need to organize the house just days before the start of a new school year.  My plan was in motion.

Meeting Our Seller: Yappy Hour, Little League World Series, Smoke-free by Lie and My New Ugly Dresser

We got lost meeting our dresser dealer. I incorrectly memorized the address.  Instead, the address I plugged into the GPS led our minivan to a “Yappy Hour” where a bunch of millennials and their outfitted and accessorized dogs were playing in plastic kiddie pools while the drinks were flowing.  We finally met up with the sellers in a chic warehouse like neighborhood to close the deal.  The husband was making small talk with Mark about the Little League World Series.  I guess 100 baseballs rolling around in our trunk was a good indicator for our love of baseball.  I set my eyes on the dresser, it was not beach decor, which I never really wanted, instead it was a self designed mod podge art effort that went bad.  And this dresser was small.  Again, it was ASSEMBLED. I focused on the fact that this thing was already built.  But I was distracted that it reeked of smoke.  In my diplomatic tone I inquired, “excuse me, was this dresser in a smoke free home?”  The wife replied, “Yes!” The husband chimed in, “I smoke but NEVER in the house!”  WTF? I have bad liars here.  The wife added, “People smoke in this garage all the time, that’s probably what you smell.” [Wink, wink, “probably”].  I whispered to Mark that it smells, he wanted to pay and go to little league practice.  I had SCHMUCK stamped on my forehead. Now I have an ugly and smelly dresser. I was taken aback by how substantial this dresser appeared in the for sale photo versus reality. Oh, and the wife added that we will need to buy two screws.

Tween Forms a New Cleaning Concoction

We brought the dresser home for Rachel, 12.  She has kept her clean laundry in her laundry baskets for about 11 months because she doesn’t like folding.  She is aspiring to set up the guest bedroom as her new pad. And, she noted that the dresser stinks.  In the nano second that I wasn’t looking at Rachel, she took my freshly cut flowers from the vase, added OxiClean (we needed that to clean last year’s school clothes for this week) and PineSol and made a concoction. She used the OxiClean pine scented petals to clean out the smoke stench using hot pink underwear as her rag.  It’s the most cleaning she ever attempted to do.

We Got Screwed

Rachel noticed that we needed not two screws like the seller shared after I handed her the cash, but three screws.  As Rachel and I drove by a hardware store, Rachel said that she would know exactly what type of screw to buy.  The look on her face when she saw the thousands if not millions of loose screws was priceless.  I had no idea that there were so many families of screws: wood screws, sheet metal screws, machine screws, and so many more.  We left defeated.  I told her we would take apart the an assembled drawer, which defeated my whole plan of buying this, measure it, and to stereotype millennials, just buy the screws on Amazon.  I can’t handle assembling things or hardware stores. We were screwed.

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